I keep telling myself that I need a whole lot of time and a brilliant way to describe all that’s shifted in my life over the past six months. Well, that would be lovely but it just hasn’t been happening so in this moment, I’m starting with whatever flows out today, here, now.
Over these past six months, I’ve alternated between THIS IS CRAZY! (good, growth-inducing, exciting, feels right) and THIS IS CRAZY! (bad, uncomfortable, truly insane). For those of you who haven’t been following along the quick recap is:
- Shut down our main source of income
- Moved from Massachusetts (and my support network) to New Hampshire (awesome school for Shaman Boy, abundant nature, intuition)
- Found out that I’m pregnant!
- Dealing with all the consequences of the all of the above
A little space to digest all that.
Today I was preparing for a Secrets of Shamanism class and thinking about every time I’ve moved – and how there are two ways to look at each move: through the lens of how uncomfortable and messy it was, or how much I discovered about myself and ultimately created a mo’ better life for myself and my family.
There was the move to California in my 20s, when I went way outside my comfort zone, had major heartbreak and betrayal, that lead me to question who I was beyond my abilities or roles. I learned that I’m life passing through this human body, so much bigger and more powerful than I imagined. I met don Miguel Ruiz, my spiritual teacher, and Jamie Gilroy, my husband. And I cried buckets and buckets of tears and though I was losing my mind – which Miguel proudly claims he has hanging on his wall. Lost: my limited image of myself. Gained: trust in my intuition, connection, mentors, and a whole bag of spiritual tools.
Then I moved to Massachusetts with my brand new hubby and his son in my early 30s, kicking and screaming all the way. I arrived in a town that was soon covered in snow, where I knew no one, no longer had a job or spiritual community, and was an instant mom and wife. I stayed in bed hibernating for the winter, cried my eyes out, cursed my teachers and friends for “letting” move cross-country – and let go of round one of my victim, finally taking responsibility for my choices and my life. Lost: spiritual community, belief that I had to be an independent, over-achieving, successful career woman, blaming others for my choices. Gained: feeling secure in who I am without the crutches of career, friends, familiar location. Oh, and eventually another stellar spiritual community.
And now… we took a leap of faith a few months ago and moved up to New Hampshire full-time, knocked up, in debt, and without steady income. We followed a vision and intuition and a dream, we’re confronting fears and doubts galore, and we’re sitting in an abundance of discomfort. Lost: wow, this could be pages upon pages… close-by friends, income, house, a business, money, pride, ego, the fear of speaking up, lingering perfectionism, imbalance in our relationship, looking for my reflection of my worth in the situations and people around me, the money in the bank account. Gained: seeing my reflection in nature, connecting to my inner strength, a more authentic, simpler, life, a bigger belly.
I used to joke that I was the valedictorian of my college class, then went on to get a Masters degree in shamanism/life through a decade of intense training with don Miguel Ruiz. My friend Rick called it yesterday, I’m now going for my PhD. – as so many of us are. Taking all we learned through life experiences and a plethora of spiritual training that has lived in our heads and occasionally trickled down into our hearts and bodies – to embodying it fully, daily, as both human and divine. Walking the talk. Knowing it at the core of our being – for real.
I share all this because I have been so humbled by the amount of pain, growth, limiting beliefs, messy emotion, plain discomfort, and challenge that have been present in my life. I mean, geez, after all the workshops and retreats? After all the other life experiences? Really??
But I am also wowed by the awareness, transformation, grace, support, unexpected surprises, feeling of “rightness,” shift to connecting with energy/spirit. I have been reminded again and again by my wise friends that all this cracking is allowing me – the real me, light, love, authenticity, alignment, to come forward. I’ve needed to hear this because it has been so daunting to see through the muck and the mess, even though there is a part of me that knows it’s all good and it’s all perfect and it’s all going to be okay.
(And yes, it’s been hard. And yes, it sucks. It’s a brutiful mix. That would be brutal and beautiful combined.)
As I drove out of our old hometown after closing the door on our old house for the last time this weekend, I started laughing at myself. Years ago I signed up for the spiritual journey path – the one that invites growth and evolution into my life, repeatedly. I chuckled knowing on some level if we had stayed in Marblehead, I would have been bored. I was ready to grow and go to the next, deeper level. Sometimes I curse myself for swallowing the red pill, but ultimately I can’t imagine living any other way.
So if you are in the midst of transformation, transition, shedding your skin, letting go, shifting who you are and what you believe or where you live… then I would like to remind me and you that we wouldn’t have called this into our lives if we couldn’t do it, that a newer, stronger, more amazing version of you (and me) and your life are being created, and wow, I am so awed and blessed to know that there are more of us “crazies” out there
Be well. And big hugs.